Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom