i will avenge u mr van gogh
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Banking tips
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.