I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…