just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs