Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My love language is hissing.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.