“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me