[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame