People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.