ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Tier 3 meme
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target