2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.