some Old Testament wisdom
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.