How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I’M CRYINGGG
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
#dalle2
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.