he’s doing your taxes
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Had to try this trend 😊
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.