“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
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Me: If you bit your brother again, you鈥檙e grounded.
Son: But I鈥檓 already grounded. WE鈥橰E ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that鈥檚 my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren鈥檛 these normally ink blots
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
No matter what country they鈥檙e in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Son: We鈥檙e having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That鈥檚 for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I鈥檓 pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address