A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
#Caturday
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*