Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
#dalle2