I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
motivation
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.