i choose….tongue
You Might Also Like
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
No regrets in 2018
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Why am I like this?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.