banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
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I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
and now we wait
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?