Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Help Wanted
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”