[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My flabber has been gasted.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.