So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Have kids, they said
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.