Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I’ve had relationships like this
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers