I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad