undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*