[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.