My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?