6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
😩😩😩
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me :
All Day At Night
I put the h in mysterious.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.