Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.