Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism