Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Dead
Alive
Other✔