It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
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My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.