Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
dream blunt rotation
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35