yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
January has been Januweary
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.