If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When I said I liked it rough.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out