Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
i was baptized in a car wash
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.