KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth