*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
You Might Also Like
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No