spicy snake
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
happy friday
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
i think we should see other cousins
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Monday Lisa
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.