TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
dads on road-trips be like
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
58.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Cake safety first. Always.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.