I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My neck, my back, my…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.