HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You Might Also Like
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.