BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
when dads have a rap battle
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
me hitting on a model
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.