Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Denise please return my vape pen
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb