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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’ve been learning to cook.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings