Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down