Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Well, that didn’t work.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
LA today:
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here