From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I identify as an antique shop.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You’ll be OK
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
When I laugh on my period
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.