The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.