I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
only 11 steps left
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!